I'm going to identify 10 specific kinds of behavior that might cause other people to think you're weird or socially awkward.
With each of these behaviors, there are things you can do to appear more normal or less awkward.
Note: The title of the video is a little misleading - there are 10 behaviors, not 11.
Social Awkwardness
I was on the social skills subreddit recently, and a person posted a very interesting comment. He said, "When people ask you if they are acting weird, don't respond with generalities and platitudes, but give them specific advice."
Basically, this person was saying, "I think I'm weird, and I get feedback in social situations that I'm weird or socially awkward.” But when this person asks their friends, “What specifically am I doing that makes you think I'm weird or makes me seem socially awkward?” they never give the person a straight answer. The friends always respond with platitudes like, "Oh, it's okay to be weird, just be yourself, ignore them."
But of course for those who genuinely struggle, if we're socially outcast or isolated because we’re perceived as weird or socially awkward or unusual or abnormal, these are real concerns. People need real feedback. They don't need platitudes like, "Oh, it's okay to be weird."
If you're really socially awkward, it causes you to be socially isolated, and that's extremely painful and damaging to the quality of your life. People in that situation need specific feedback about what they're doing.
Without knowing you specifically, I can't give you feedback on your behavior. But I did identify 10 specific categories of behavior that are about social norms of behavior, and that if you violate them, you are going to be perceived to be weird or socially awkward or abnormal. I’ve observed in my experience as a communication professional that when people violate these norms or I see people who are weird, or socially awkward or outcast, often these behaviors cause that perception. Each of these behaviors is specific enough that they can be corrected.
It may take coaching. Someone has to observe your specific behavior in order for them to coach you and help you. But these are the areas that you might be able to target. You can videotape yourself, but actually coaching or therapy or some kind of professional help is probably going to be needed to fix or remedy these problems, if you have them.
10 Behaviors That Make You Look Weird
When we perceive someone as weird or socially awkward, this is called a gestalt perception – an overall impression we get of someone. People who are not trained in communication or in the observation of behavior have an overall impression of, "Oh, that person is strange. That person is different, they are unusual, they're awkward."
When pressed to say what is it that makes a person strange, many people can't pinpoint exactly what it is about his or her behavior because they are not trained in communication. But it's my belief that it is specific behaviors. That's all that people can see.
When people see you as abnormal or unusual or awkward, all they have to go on is your behavior, and then their inferences about you are based on that behavior. I think these specific behaviors are observable and can be learned and changed. I believe they are at the root of these perceptions that you are weird or awkward. So here they are.
1. Lack or Excess of Eye Contact
There are norms about eye contact. You cannot make too much eye contact or else you seem like some sort of stalker or crazy lunatic. If you just bear down on people and look them in the eye too much, you're going to seem unusual, weird, or awkward. Too much eye contact is overbearing and uncomfortable, and will make people think you are violating these norms, and they'll make the inference then, you're weird or you're socially awkward.
Don't make too much eye contact. When you're talking, it's actually normal to look away for a while, and then return your gaze to the person when you're done talking. It's not a staring contest. Be sure to blink, be sure to look away, be sure to look down. Similarly, not-enough eye contact is also going to be perceived as weird or unusual. If you never make eye contact, you're going to be perceived as shy or withdrawn or not interested.
The eyes are the window to the soul. The face is the center of where most communication takes place in face-to-face ordinary interaction. So you've got to make some eye contact.
Especially when you're listening, it's more normal to make more eye contact. Even though the other person is looking away, you should make eye contact so when they look back at you, you're looking at them and they know that you're listening.
Make sufficient eye contact, but not too much. Maybe that rule is hard to learn, and if you're awkward, you're thinking, "I don't know how much too much is. I don't know how much not enough is." This is why you're going to need coaching, or you’ll have to study people who are socially skilled and see how they make eye contact.
2. Lack or Excess of Interpersonal Space/Distance
I think normally the issue will be not enough space, but sometimes it could be too much. This is really closely related to eye contact. This differs from country to country, but in America, there's about a 12 to 18 inch personal space bubble that should not be violated, unless you're on sort of intimate or friendly terms with a person. In ordinary social contact and in public you have to respect this 12 to 18 inch personal distance bubble.
You don't want to be one of those close talkers. You're going to be perceived as awkward and weird and so on. People are going to make inferences about you and your social skills. Even if you're a lovely human being, you must respect this personal space bubble.
Now, this will vary from culture to culture. Norms of social distance are culture-specific. In America, it's about 12 to 18 inches, so keep your distance. If you enter into that distance, then people will feel that you're violating their personal space. If you stay three feet away when you're talking to someone, they're going to think you're weird because that's too far away to be standing for an ordinary conversation. The exception is if you're in a group, when the norms are for slightly greater distances and higher volumes. So again, study what you see in socially skilled people, make those judgments and copy those social distances. Too much or too little distance will make you seem weird.
3. Poor General or Oral Hygiene
There's no other way to say it. Maybe you smell, maybe your breath is really bad, maybe your body odor is really bad. Here again, there are culturally specific norms. In America, there are these norms about showering every day. The smell of the human body in America is taboo. You shouldn't smell, your breath should smell, your body shouldn't smell. You should shower once a day and have all sorts of perfumed soap and deodorant on.
In other parts of the world, the normal smells of the human body are more acceptable, and the norms about breath or body odor are different. If you've traveled around the world you'll realize this, because people smell differently in different parts of the world. But in America, if you don't brush your teeth or use mouthwash and you come close to people, they can smell your breath. If it's really bad, they are going to think you're unclean, and they may then make other inferences about you being a strange, isolated person that they don't want to interact with.
In America, you can't have obvious body odor or have halitosis, which is bad breath. You've got to brush your teeth, use mouthwash, chew gum, use breath mints, and you've got to clean yourself. You can't have perspiration that really smells or any other kind of body odor or the strong odor of food. This may not be fair or realistic, and it varies from culture to culture, but these are the norms in America. If you violate them, you're going to be seen as weird.
4. Lack of a Filter
You say taboo things. That is, you use profanity when you shouldn't, or maybe you talk about religion or politics in ways that offend people. You have no filter. You say exactly what you think regardless to politeness or appropriateness to the situation. You speak without regard decorum or respect or poise or dignity. You lack those things. You just say whatever's on your mind without regard to relevance or appropriateness. If you act that way, without any filter, people are going to think you're weird.
The norms of human behavior and human communication dictate that you avoid certain taboo topics and don't try to raise too much controversy, that you don't shame people and embarrass them. So you have to learn rules of appropriateness. If I say, "Be appropriate," you might say, "But I'm weird. I'm socially awkward. I don't know what appropriateness is." There are some rules that you can learn, and I already mentioned a couple.
You normally don't bring up topics like religion, politics, sex, body parts, body odors that will be really divisive in polite company, or else you're going to be perceived as not understanding the norms of behavior. Anyone who violates those norms will be seen as somebody who's not safe to interact with, otherwise known as weird or awkward.
5. Lack of Cooperation in Face Work
I have a couple of other videos on face, the expressive order and face work, going all the way back to my very first video. Face is the positive social value we claim for ourselves. It's dignity, pride, self-esteem – the fact that I am somebody who deserves respect. In ordinary interaction, you have a commitment not to embarrass yourself and not to allow other people to be embarrassed, either by themselves or by you.
Often people who are perceived as weird or socially awkward don't know how to do face work. They don't know how to maintain the expressive order. I'll link to my video about the expressive order here. These people embarrass themselves by acting in strange ways, which violate norms. It's not okay to violate these social norms if you want to be seen as normal. They allow other people to be embarrassed, and they don't help repair embarrassment.
If others don’t have confidence that you'll help them avoid embarrassment if they slip up, you won't be seen as safe to interact with. They'll see you as weird and abnormal. So if you don't cooperate in face work, helping other people save face and not allowing yourself to lose face, people might see you as weird or awkward.
6. Lack or Excess of Self-Disclosure
Self-disclosure is the process of telling people about us. Minor, superficial details, and then deep, personal details about ourselves. Generally, there's a progression. We tell people who we hardly know superficial things about ourselves, like our name, what city we live in, what we do for a living, maybe some of our superficial interests. Then as the relationship gets more intimate, we reveal and disclose more intimate details about ourselves. That's the general progression of self-disclosure.
There are norms of self-disclosure, and if you violate them, you will be seen as abnormal or awkward or weird. In the beginning of a relationship, do not disclose too much. Your name, rank and serial number is about it. Safe topics might include where you live, what you do for a living, what some of your hobbies are (if they're not taboo topics), what music or television or movies or books that you like. These are all things you can disclose about yourself early in a relationship, where you're just meeting new people.
Don't disclose too much. If you meet new people, and suddenly start telling them about your deep, psychological problems: your addictions, your abuse history, your mental health problems, the most embarrassing and shameful things about yourself or your life history. Those experiences are all valid, and eventually, you want a friend that you can share them with, but not when you first meet someone. It's not appropriate. People will think, "Ah, too much information. This person is weird and awkward. I don't want to interact with him."
Similarly, if you never reveal anything about yourself, people will not trust you. I used to know somebody who’s not really part of my life anymore, but she was a very good listener, so people would tell her things. But, she would never reveal anything about herself. So ultimately, people didn't trust her. Because if you never reveal anything about yourself, you're violating this norm of self-disclosure, which says, “If I tell you something, then you tell me something of equal intimacy.” You meet a new person, and they tell you their name and where they live and kind of what their hobbies are and what they do for a living. If you then reveal none of that information about yourself, you've violated this norm of reciprocity and self-disclosure, and you're going to be seen as weird.
7. Lack of Relevance
One of the norms in conversation is to be relevant. You have to contribute to the conversation in such a way as that your contribution is relevant to the previous conversation. If there is a specific topic being talked about and the person who had the last turn was speaking about that topic, when it's your turn, you are more or less obliged to talk about the same topic, or at least to say something that is related to or relevant to the same topic.
If you're perceived generally as awkward or weird, you may have difficulty knowing what's relevant, so just stick to the same topic. Don't try to change the subject too much. Extremely abrupt changes of subject will seem really strange. Don’t deviate from the topic or use non-sequiturs. Non sequitur is Latin for being out of the proper sequence or out of place. It means to mention something on one topic, which is completely unrelated to the previous topic that was on the floor. So if you are perceived as weird, it might be because you have not mastered the sense of relevance. You must stay on topic.
8. Lack of Graceful Entrances & Exits from Interactions
There are norms and rituals around entering and leaving interactions. You will be perceived as awkward if you enter it or leave too abruptly, or if you enter or leave too slowly. If someone is trying to end the conversation and they're going, "Ha, all right. Okay. Great to meet you. Wow, it's really a pleasure to have met you. I've got to get going. Okay. Alright. Alrighty then. Okay," and you're still not leaving, those are all cues for you to leave. If you're missing all those cues and you linger and keep talking and won't let a person go when they give you signals to go, they'll think you're weird or awkward, and they won't want to interact with you. You have to let people take their leave. Even if you want to keep talking with them, when they signal that they're ready to leave, you have to let them.
On the other hand, when you enter into a conversation, you can't just barge in. If other people are talking, you have to enter in slowly and appropriately. But if you're invited in to a conversation because someone mentions your name or they motion you over and you don't accept that invitation, you're going to be seen as awkward. So, entering and leaving are rituals. You have to master those rituals, or else you're going to be seen as awkward or weird.
9. Lack of Using Back Channel Cues
A back channel cue is just something like, “mm-hmm (affirmative),” “uh-huh (affirmative),” “ah,” “oh,” “tell me more”. These are back channel cues, the little things that we do to let people know that we're still listening. They give people cues that, “yes, I'm still listening, I'm still here.” They're important on the telephone, and they're important in face-to-face interaction. If you just sit there, you think listening is about being silent, people will think you're awkward or weird.
You might be listening really intently or you might be waiting for your chance to talk, but listening is actually an active thing that you have to contribute. Back channel cues let people know you're listening. If you don't return channel cues, people are going to think you're not listening or you're not paying attention, or you're just kind of weird.
10. Lack of Empathy
If people see you as weird or awkward, it's possible that you lack empathy. Now, I have an entire playlist about empathy, which you should check out because it's too big a topic for me to talk about in the video. But it may be that you lack empathy.
What that means is that you may lack the ability to recognize or accurately identify other people's feelings. You may not know how to relate them to your own experience or to understand other people's perspectives, plans, goals, intentions, and beliefs. You may lack the ability to acknowledge people's feelings. You may not have enough altruism or compassion that when people are hurting, you reach out and do and say kind things in order to help relieve their suffering. All of these are elements of empathy, and if people perceive you as weird or awkward most of the time, you may not have mastered empathic listening and empathic skills. These have to do with feeling other people's feelings, identifying other people's feelings correctly, naming them, asking people to elaborate on them, and then saying comforting things to them. As I said in numerous other videos, my whole channel (How Communication Works) is kind of an empathy channel, so there is lots to learn if those are your skills.
Summary
There you have it, 10 specific behaviors that if you're not adhering to the norms of behavior in these domains, it's quite likely others will perceive you as abnormal, weird or awkward.
The good news is all of these are learnable skills. Even if you might be on the Autism spectrum or have Asperger's or other challenges in your life that make it difficult for you to perceive social nuances, if you grew up in a family where you didn't get this kind of training or if you're just in a situation where you have a lot more to learn, that's what this channel is for. I really, really want to help.
I think that the previous videos I've made on conversation skills and empathy and listening are targeted a lot of these deficits. If you're struggling with this idea that you're weird or socially awkward, it is because of these specific observable behaviors. You are capable of changing them, but not without effort. You may never be able to be as smooth as the most socially skilled person, but I think you can greatly decrease the perception that you're weird or awkward by working on these specific learnable social skills.
One more thing I’d like to mention is that it's totally okay to have unusual ideas or beliefs. One of the platitudes that people say to people who feel themselves to be socially awkward or weird is, "Oh, I like weird people. It's okay to be weird." I think what there saying there is it's okay to be quirky, it's okay to be unusual, it's okay to have slightly different beliefs. There are norms of human behavior, including norms for what attitudes and beliefs we can hold in a given culture in a given time in history. If you go too far outside those norms, you will pay the price as someone who is a non-conformist and socially outcast and so on. You have to do that calculation on your own.
If you have beliefs that are very far outside the norm, or behaviors that are very far outside the norm, one of the prices you might pay socially for that is a certain amount of ostracism, or being isolated or perceived as weird or awkward. But if you have normal beliefs and attitudes that are within the norms for our time and place in history, and you just haven't mastered all these communication skills, I think there's really a route for you to be seen as much more normal than you might have been.
Thanks so much for reading. I hope these tips help you overcome what's really a painful situation, to be seen as weird or awkward. We'll see you next time.